Sierra's Diary: All Stars Edition

[Sierra]

this isnt gonna go well i can feel it

[Sierra]

fuck i love sierra dawn to pieces but she can be a real headache as an ally

[Sierra]

sierra 2 is probably done for tonight because Joaquin is blinded by his FEELINGS re: her targeting him last round. she has obviously turned her attention to Fabio and Nay because they voted against her but Joaq says we still have to boot her because she's unpredictable. Sierra has pretty much always had my best interests at heart; Fabio and Na'Onka have both actively screwed me and my allies on multiple occasions in this game. even from the point of view of our "side" rather than me individually, keeping Sierra is a better option. WHY would we eliminate someone who has moments of weakness but is overall with us over one of two people who have been against us ALL GAME? it is so nonsensical and Joaq is NOT seeing the big picture. This is just kinda heartbreaking to me idk

[Sierra]

I don't want to tell her she's going because she will go crazy lol

[Sierra]

but at the same time seeing her blindsided will hurt both of us

[Sierra]

this is really depressing idk like................ I think I would have just checked the fuck out of this game longggg ago if it hadn't been for Sierra (and Matty, but Sierra is the focus of this). I am really really really gonna miss her and I hope she knows how much I appreciated her and that I really do love her as a person and 100% intended on sticking with her to the end.

[Sierra]

I'm also weirdly a bit upset with Matty for going along with Joaq. We've had this F3 with Sierra since like round 2, and you flip on it based on heresy and someone's stupid misguided desire for vengeance? We're getting divorced. He can marry Joaq instead.

[Sierra]

hi y'all.

I just feel rllllly alone in the ORGverse right now ok and I need to talk about it.

This game has been such a mess of like... everything. It's fitting for my first AS season -- at least I'll know what to expect next time. The thing is that through the fucking shitstorm that has been this season, Matty and Sierra were my only constants. Sierra is gone because of Joaq and Matty (and tbh, Matty should feel fucking shit about that because she lived and died for us at her own peril and disadvantage and he just threw it in her face) and today things kind of went from bad to worse on that front. My F3 plan has been me/Matty/Sierra since like round 3, but with Sierra gone and Joaq being an ass, I'd like to have Steph there with me and Matty instead. I didn't think Matty would put up that much resistance to this idea, but like... not only did he resist the idea of Steph being in the F3, which I would have understood, he doesn't seem to even want me there.

Fuck.

I get it. Everyone says I'm the biggest threat to win and God fucking knows if I make it to the end, even I know that I probably deserve this more than anyone else here. It's just that Matty and I fought through all of the fucking bullshit that happened this season together. We suffered through the lows and celebrated the highs as a duo and I, once again and despite myself, found myself trusting him entirely and unequivocally on a game level. We have told each other this whole fucking season that it wouldn't matter who won as long as it was one of us (or Joaq, but I retract that). I never, ever, EVER thought even ONCE about turning on him, and I thought that if only because of the nature of this game and how personal it's gotten at points, he would feel the same way about me. Just this once.

Nope. We get down to the wire and he starts freaking out a little, kinda like he did in Epic. He's going on about how Matt and Steph are easy to beat in an F3 and how he knows he'll almost definitely lose to me. I don't even know if that's true, but why is it a problem if it is? Didn't we conclude long ago that it didn't matter who won? You might ask why I'm upset if it doesn't matter who wins -- like, won't it be okay if he gets to the end without me? Sure it would, but if he gets to the end without me by virtue of his own strategic decisions, ones that he made to eliminate me to further himself, it goes against everything we built and fought against over the past month. I know it's all game. I know it's not him diminishing our relationship, and I know seeing it that way is illogical, but hell does it fucking feel that way when we've come this far only for him to decide that the possibility of winning this game is more important than everything that has happened to me and to us as a pair in this game. It feels really shitty and it is honestly getting at me, but I don't know how to tell him that without sounding like an idiot. I forgave him for Epic and if he does settle on trying to get rid of me here I'll forgive him for that too, but it's just so fucking disconcerting to me. I've definitely become a more detached and less emotional player since I started ORGs, and that's a really really good thing, but just THIS GAME IN PARTICULAR and CHRIS IN PARTICULAR... like, are you serious? How am I supposed to... I don't know, reconcile this? I've been a target this entire game, on occasion simply because people didn't like me, and I think that despite my detachment from the majority of this cast, it's probably been the most emotional game I've ever played. It's made me question things about myself and my relationships with other people in a way no other game has. I don't want it to end with me questioning Chris (again).

I don't know. I just really wanted to believe that when it came down to it, Chris would be with me no matter what, the same way I am with him. I guess I was wrong. And the worst part is that it's not even really because he feels closer to Matt (although for some reason that hurts, too... am I fucking JEALOUS? Yeah I guess I probably am), it's because he cares about winning this stupid game more than anything else, including my weak ass feelings.

I rly need to get a grip. 

[Sierra]

the delicious and also absolutely disgusting irony of matt spearheading chris' downfall/blindside the round after he arguably manipulated their personal relationship to get chris to vote with him (which I just fucking will not stand for. KEEP THAT SHIT OUT OF THE GAME).
ha.
ha
ha
haha
hahaha
hahah
but not really because this is actually fucking sad. looks like we're gonna be getting a fabio/nay win after all. matt is an idiot and I don't know why he thought this would do anything for him jury votes wise. he did nothing but torch a few more and upset both me and chris. I knew he was trying to fuck me over when he couldn't come up with an actually logical reason to boot sd over fabio but it didn't seem to click for chris. too late now!

[Sierra]

i wont do shit to protect people in games much anymore but u always have that privilege with me
so dnt be a dick
Chris
From now on I won't

I'll believe that when I see it bae!

[Sierra]

u would not listen 2 me

Chris

I know I know

25 mins ago

Chris

Not sure why I hadnt realized not doing that tends to end poorly


sierra


25 mins ago

Chris

I cant even be consistent though lol

Like ineffing secret story

I didn't nom people who I knew had an F3 without me basically because I had liked them basically

24 mins ago

Chris

Which lead me to going the following round

And that game was absolutely nothing

So idek sometimes

23 mins ago


sierra
me either

22 mins ago

Chris

Lol, well ok then


sierra
LOL well I don't

idk what u want me to say

it's just unfortunate that I'm the victim of ur inconsistency

21 mins ago

Chris

Yeah.....unfortunately

*sigh*. Idk Keri, i d k

17 mins ago


sierra
MAYBE ONE DAY U WILL GIVE ME THE FKN BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND STOP THINKING I AM STUPID IN GAMES AND THAT I HAVE STRATEGIC MERIT CHRIS

THAT SOUNDED MORE SERIOUS THAN IT WAS

Chris

Yeah 'cause Im pretty sure I never thought you were bad at anything strategic lol

[Sierra]

JOAQUIN TRYING TO GET A RISE OUT OF ME IN THE TSG CHAT >>>>>>>

[Sierra]

JOAQUIN ACTING LIKE HIS DECISION WAS AT ALL LOGICAL >>>>>>

[Sierra]

JOAQUIN THROWING HIS CLOSEST ALLY TO THE WOLVES ONLY TO BECOME FABIO'S GOAT >>>>>>>>>>

[Sierra]

even though chris put nails in both our coffins by voting sd out i am not upset with him rn i just feel BAD for him